Inept Phone Service

Welcome to the XYZ Company's electronic answering system. If you know your party's extension, why did you call our main switchboard?

(With Government) You have reached a non-working number at the U.S. Department of Labor, and hence we can't connect you with anyone.

Calls are taken in the order received so please stay on the line so that we can repeat this irritating message at least a half a dozen times. You will not be disconnected, unless, of course, you are.

Your call is important to us, which is why we're willing to tie up your phone for a half an hour.

If you're using a rotary phone, good luck in reaching anyone.

If you're calling from a touch-tone phone and would like to leave a message, press the # sign followed by the number 2, followed by the digits of your social security number...

Once your message is completed, if you'd like to change it, press star button followed by the number 4, or wait for further overly-complex instructions.

To reach a customer service representative, who will practice learning English during your call, press 5.

To reach technical support, press 7 and please make sure you have your customer ID number, equipment serial number, original invoice, and lots of reading material.

For all other departments, please stay on the line where you'll be subjected to Muzak.

Leaving a Voice mail Message

Many times you'll need to leave a voice mail message for one of your staff people. Before even dialing, think about what you want to say during this message. If it helps, write down three or four key words on a scrap of paper so that once you actually deliver your message, you can come right to the point.

Speak slowly but leave a succinct message of about 20-40 seconds. This may not seem like a lot of time, but actually allows for three to six sentences. There is no need to race, particularly when leaving your phone number. Say it slowly and carefully, as if you were writing it yourself. That's the Breathing Space way to leave a message.

Cell Phone Blues

“The complaints are familiar and frequent.” says AP writer Juan-Carlos Rodriguez. “People on cell phones talk too loud, they use them at inappropriate times, and they just don't seem to care if they are bothering anyone. The horror stories are famous too. Cell phones at funerals. Cell phones at weddings. Cell phones in class. And of course, cell phones in restaurants.”

Based on data from the Cellular Telecommunications & Internet Association, approximately 66% of Americans use a cell phone. So finding quiet is getting harder and harder since cell phone manners seem to be degrading by the minute.

“Traditionally quiet places like movie theaters, opera houses, orchestra halls and live theater venues are now compelled to remind patrons to turn off their cell phones or other devices before a performance,” says Rodriguez. “Washington's Metrorail system has put up signs discouraging inconsiderate talkers which say:

"Yes, we're all very interested in what you're having for dinner tonight" accompanied by a picture of a wide-mouthed Metro rider yelling into a cell phone. The second line says it all, "Please keep your phone conversations to yourself."

Worldwide cell phone jamming is all the rage. Mexican churches have installed short-range cell phone signal jammers to abusers who can’t control themselves during mass. Jamming is also popular in India, Japan, and France. In the United States, cell-phone jamming is currently illegal.

“While some are clamoring for cell phone restraint,” writes Rodriguez, “cell phone companies are lobbying the Federal Aviation Administration to permit cell phones on commercial airline flights. But in a poll by the Association of Flight Attendants and the National Consumers League 63 percent of respondents wanted to keep current restrictions in place.” Let’s us hope that this is one lobby that runs out of things to say.